Innate Narcissism

2000 Sever-n

2007-01-01T11:45:22Z

Its been a strange new year.
Familiarity was found in a new place; home was found in once foreign land.
I'm starting to love them more than what I currently have.
Its not a good thing.
Not a good thing.

I made a new year resolution, and well, let's just say, I haven't really been keeping to it. Oh well.

Maybe there's hope for the other resolution. I'll start work on that. Later.

I don't know what to say about 2007. Perhaps its the first time I have high hopes for the year, but these hopes are fuzzy. Expectations that somehow can't be named.

All I can say is, as long as 2007 ends better than 2006 did, that'd be some of the battle won.

2006. Fare thee well. You were good to me, until you made it end in tears.

Well, as I repeated over and over just before the countdown, "I just want one thing God, please, don't leave me. Don't leave me."

At least I can be assured that the spiritual will stay with me very much longer than the physical has.

toremindme: Godsolovedtheworld

2006-12-26T15:24:03Z

I don't know why I blog.
I only blog when I'm frustrated, I blog when things are down.
But then again, things aren't really down.
It's been a mess really.
Up.
Down.
Up again.
Down.
An elevator of emotions, stopping at unfathomable floors.
Perhaps its the incessant pitter pattering rain.
Perhaps its a female predicament.
Perhaps the strive for perfection.
Perhaps perhaps, what-per-ever-haps.
I can't say I'm down or unhappy.
The basement is unaccessed, that much I know.
I thought I achieved lift off today.
I think somewhere I did.
In the moments of love, of sweetness and support, I think I hit rooftop. Mayhaps I burst through too.
But I came hurtling down, as all things that go up come down.
I don't know what I'm saying.
I'm in the middle of here and where.
Why now, why so much?
Lessons or preparation?
God, please show me.

Oh the sinking into sugary sweetness.

AllElseFailed

2006-12-22T16:45:18Z

At the end of the day, I can't live without this.

Why God is making me find out all this now, I don't know. Perhaps to remind me that no matter what, christmas is about Him, not the people around. To show me the reason why He came, not for acceptance, but just to love, whether or not He was loved.

I'm finding it so tough to be like Him. I just want to scream and curse at the world and withdraw into a hole. Avoid humans at all costs and just rot away on my own.

But I know I shouldn't. So here continues the giving and giving and wishing for something more.

I've never hated the christmas period before.
I think this year I do.

HorridMacarena

2006-12-04T10:49:10Z

041206 Monday
051206 Tuesday
061206 Wednesday
071206 Thursday
081206 Friday
091206 Saturday

.completed.

The Time Now Is 6:26am.. BEEP...

2006-11-27T22:40:12Z

*Note: The "BEEP" in the title is not an expletive.

Anyhow.
Tis a strange hour to be blogging.
Tis a strange hour to even be awake when on holiday.

But I'm doing it anyway.

The car just pulled out and is now heading toward the courseway, all set to run for the next 4 hours. Or more, however long it takes to reach Petaling Jaya, Selangor today. I've been awake for an hour already, a feat most would not imagine possible with me. Heck, I never imagined I'd do it either.

Back to the point.

The car's gone, and so is the Father, Mother, Sister and Brother. It felt strange watching them drive out, after scurrying around for an hour before helping my mother get all the other stuff ready. For that moment, it felt like I was actually going to hop on and go with them, per every end of year for 3 days.

I sit in my room now, wanting to go back to sleep, but almost unable to. It felt so awkward watching the car drive out, then when it was gone, locking the door and switching off the light. I suddenly grew a little older, an immediate progress in age - not physical though, but experience.

This is still rather new. Being left alone at home for 2 hours while everyone is at a supermarket feels nothing like this. I suddenly feel like I have to make sure the house is in order, even though I know I'm not even going to touch like 3/4 the things in it.

Anyway, this has all been very nice, but I say its time to end now. Goodbye post, and hello world.

A Bitta Mary Tyrone

2006-11-09T15:30:01Z

The bold move that after forever was finally taken. The feelings, the wishing - a flooding of everything ago, the resurrection of the unresolved.

So many instances of "What are you doing?! Just go back." A fight against inner demons, against the incessant voice, against the endless nudging. Until finally, situation won the battle, and in I plunged.

Further and further, little by little, the movie played on. It refused to stop. No. The more it hurt, the more I smiled. The more the tears pushed, the more I laughed. The art of perfecting a facade; the Oscars would have awarded me immediately.

An alien to surroundings, an outsider looking in. Everything hollered, "Welcome to the life you wanted." The buildings, the traveling, everything. "Welcome. See how you like it."

Inner demons cried out gleefully, "Be jealous, you eternal misfit."

It hurt. Desires to runaway.

I might not have felt as welcome as I hoped. But of course. I come from somewhere else. A place no one there understood, and I to a place I did not understand. It was good though. Yes. It was good.

After a few hours of battling, fighting, rioting within my being, God won the war for me.

He said, "Welcome to the life you wanted. Aren't you happier where you are?"

And finally, I let go.

Sense and Sensibility.. or Lack Thereof

2006-11-05T17:57:38Z

Tonight nothing makes sense. I miss and I miss. But I know, I should stop cos its just gonna make me feel bad. Rah. So to take my mind off stupid things and a load of mind boggling-ness, something I got off Cassan's blog. Pretty interesting indeed.

--------
1) Put your music player on shuffle
2) Press forward for each question.
3) Use the song title as the answer to the question.
4) NO CHEATING!!!

The questions and my answers:

1) How am I feeling today?
Hard to Love You - The Wreckers. [makes some semblance of sense when pertaining to]

2) Where will I get married?
On My Way - Phil Collins. [highly strange answer and I'm highly amused now]

3) What is my best friend's theme song?
Angels Wish - Steven Curtis Chapman. [if I could identify a best friend maybe it'll make more sense]

4) What is/was high school like?
Session - Linkin Park. [lets just put it simply, no words can describe it. overall, beautiful, like the song]

5) What is the best thing about me?
Fall at Your Feet - James Blunt.

6) How is today going to be?
Shakespeare in Love - Layla Kaylif. [someone explain this to me]

7) What is in store for this weekend?
Cartoons - Chris Rice. [highly hilarious. louis and lily getting married and my cell/church people are cartoons]

8) What song describes my parents?
Leave the Pieces - The Wreckers. [I SURE HOPE THIS IS FALSE]

9) How is my life going?
His Love - Hillsong. [drew hates this song. but it seems to be answering the questions appropriately]

10) What song will they play at my funeral?
Insomnia - Electric President. [HAHAHA. THIS IS REALLY FUNNY!]

11) How does the world see me?
Saviour's Love - Hillsong London. [wow.. lyrics maybe pertain. title, difficult]

12) What do my friends really think of me?
I Believe - Hillsong. [I'm getting more amused by the second. this is like, what I want people to see]

13) Do people secretly lust after me?
You, You are God - CFN Music. [HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE!!!!!! BUT VERY AMUSING INDEED.]

14) How can I make myself happy?
Carrot Juice is Murder - Dr Demento. [HAHAHA! Yeah. This song is funny]

15) What should I do with my life?
Let The Whole World - Hillsong London. [again, big shoes to fill]

16) Will I ever have children?
Kingdom Come - Hillsong United. [er.. is that good or bad?]

17) What is some good advice?
Who Am I - Casting Crowns. [definitely very good advice.. definitely]

18) What do I think my current theme song is:
Take It All - Hillsong. [Wow. Am I doing this or is God? Somehow its turning out 3/4 true]

19) What does everyone else think my current theme song is:
Fortress - Pinback.

20) What type of men/women do you like?
To You - Hillsong. [funny.]

21) Will you get married?
Dice - Finley Quaye & William Orbit ft Beth Orton. [again. funny.]

22) What should I do with my love life?
Sovereign Hands - Hillsong United. [yup. I'll leave it up to Him alright.]

23) Where will you live?
Majesty (Here I Am) - Hillsong + Delirious. [so does that mean I'm stuck in this house forever?]

24) What will your dying words be?
All Of My Days - Hillsong. [HAH. funny.]

-----------
There we have it. I just realised that my ipod is loaded with 3/4 christian songs and 1/4 non. Good. That's the way it should be.

In the world, not of it.
Til I see You.

Mountain Dewy

2006-11-04T17:32:48Z

18 months. That's 1 year 6 months.

That's..
Wow.

I Want Bimbotic Gwendolen Moments

2006-10-26T15:46:48Z

Dear God,
I'm confused.
I don't know what to do.
What do I do when its told to me?
I don't know how to react.
Should I feign happiness?
Or should I say how I really feel?
I don't have a clue why You put me in these situations.
But I believe that if You put me in it, You'll show me what to do.
You'll show me how to handle it.
You'll tell me what to say.
I don't know what else I can do but pray.
Cos I couldn't really handle it the first time.
And now, there's even an added difference to it.
Father, help me.
Help me remember that there's nothing You can't do.
Help me remember to always trust You, and the work You're doing.
Whether it's in my life, or in the life of others through me,
I pray You remind me that You're always at work.
There's really nothing I can do to change what's going on.
There's no way of getting out.
You put me here for a reason.
Help me never to forget that.
That there must be some reason why its me, and not someone else.
Help me Father, help me.
Help my unbelief.
The unbelief that tells me I'm inadequate to handle these things.
The unbelief that fights the truth that everything will be okay.
Its so hard to see the future.
And as much as I will never see the future,
I pray You continue teaching me faith.
Faith in You,
and faith that in You, all will work out.
I've asked so much and You've given me more.
So I ask and will continue to ask.
For guidance, for peace of mind,
for patience, for love.
For help.
Thank You Father, that I'm not alone in this.
Your will above all be done.

Amen.

1 Count and Counting

2006-10-25T09:27:25Z

So I only turn to this when I'm in dire need of an output.
Somehow lj holds more ranting joys than blogger.
Queer.

Its all a mix.
Fear and Faith.
Belief and Nerve.
Trust and Upset.

Dear God,
Help me.

Stand Still, Look Pretty reruns.
Somehow it doesn't apply but then again.

I want to be Hermione.

Do You Love Mozart?

2006-09-20T15:54:29Z

My life is like an unfinished song.
A song that's waiting to be completed.
Yet the Composer knows its end.
The Composer has already written the ending.

As I work and work like a horse, sometimes I really understand how a book in its writing process is. Suddenly things don't flow so well. The writer reaches a bump, unable to continue, losing sight of the book's conclusion and how he wants it to end. The writer finds himself unable to reach the conclusion nice and smooth, and starts going back to the beginning to find his way to the end again.

Working like mad to finish assignments really feels like that. Sometimes I lose sight of the end, of what I'm doing all this for, of where I'm headed. Sometimes I hit bumps and I don't feel like doing anything, and I find myself unable to move forward. I'm like that now. I have no clue how my essay is going to turn out, no idea how I'm going to perform. Perhaps I'll do badly again, I don't know.

I guess I have to go back to the beginning and find my way again.
The beginning is where all the passion and determination is stored.
I've got to retrieve the storage, all the pent up "save for later energy" is needed now.
The backup drive has got to start running.

Even though my song is yet to end.
I trust the Composer to lead me smoothly through.
This divine path has already been made.
Help me embark on it with confidence and trust.

Please God.
Please help my unbelief.

The Love of God

2006-08-13T13:47:34Z

I guess its all just unsaid, unheard, unwritten.
Emotions are a tricky thing. They do funny things to a human.
I don't know why I'm so paranoid. It's not even cos of you.

Can my horrifyingly stupid past just stop haunting me to such a point?
Why is it so hard to let go of the bad memories?
I've been okay, I know I'll be okay.
We've been great, and I know too that we can continue to be great.
So WHAT am I doing with this completely illogical fear?

Dear God,
Thank You so much for everything You've blessed me with in the past year or so.
Please help me in this new chapter.
Take away my fear and replace it with the confidence in You, and the assurance that You'll work everything out for me.
I find it hard to believe sometimes, and I know that stupid fella down there is messing with my mind.
I pray You change it all for me. Change my perspective Father, show me that there's more than what I imagine.
Let Your will be done.
Amen.

Please don't ever.

Dependance and Independance

2006-08-09T16:03:57Z

41 years of independance. Yay.

Sometimes you just have to do things yourself.

The Voice Within

2006-07-27T09:35:14Z

Bursting to speak, but the lack of a voice renders me mute.

Please God, may I have my voice back?

Please?

Sigh...

Green of Trees

2006-07-06T17:49:53Z

Jealousy.
Somebody slap me.

Tinges of green surface as I try hard to forget the rejection.
Patches of green form relentlessly as I fight to keep them down.

It still hurts after so long.
Mayhaps if I didn't know how disappointed you are it wouldn't hurt.
Mayhaps if I made you happy at least once I'd be better.

Mayhaps I've gotta find out how to live for me.

I'm happy.

But is that enough?

Countdown Desperation

2006-06-24T08:12:36Z

My next five to seven years please start flying nearer.
Time just is not whizzing by fast enough.

I want to get out of here.
I need to get out of here.

It's increasingly difficult.
The escapist in me is clawing away.

I'm in countdown desperation.
7.

Only 6 more to go.
Argh.

Down To This

2006-06-20T10:27:34Z

1 hour in 6 days.
An hour never felt so short.

Before school starts, I hope.

Steal Away

2006-05-22T07:08:45Z

Greet you hello, oh seemingly lonely week.

I shall be a nerd.

Psychology books here I come.
And school hasn't even begun!

Time on Treasure Island

2006-05-18T12:58:29Z

Curl me up in bed with my fabulous new books.

Transported, swimming in the perfect sea of words.

I'll only hit the shore when you call.

Ready, Set, Off We Go

2006-05-06T08:31:16Z

080506 Monday
090506 Tuesday
100506 Wednesday
110506 Thursday
120506 Friday

.completed.

And We Begin At 3

2006-05-02T14:25:33Z

Oh how amazing life is.

Just when you think it couldn't get any better.
Here comes 3 more days to the big 1.

There's no words I can churn up to describe my precise delirium.
There's absolutely no way to express this inner bursting.

And to think I said I'd never love again.

Thank God for changing it all.
Thank You, God, for changing EVERYTHING.

Shut The Curtains and Let the Music Play..

2006-04-12T10:57:20Z

In a random moment of thought..

In the midst of all the business and busyness..

In all the work and things to finish..

I just wish I could have you for one day.

The Apples Dry Out..

2006-04-10T17:22:52Z

The problem with us is simple.

There's never really been an 'us'.
You've for 20 years been a figure, a fleeting figure of my life, providing no doubt, but I never really knew you.
You perhaps did your 'duties' a tad too well, just maybe better than required.
You made me more than respect you, I've crossed the line and now I fear you.

Our talks are few, so few they can be counted.
Our sentence exchange so minimal we could very well be strangers.
Our word count so little a primary 1 student's composition puts us to shame.

I eventually hope to know you.
To know the one who I've lived with all my life so far.
To understand what goes on under the tempers and the strength.
To realise that you're human too, someone like me even.

Right now however, all that is just vapour.
I can sit right next to you, but not feel your presence.
I can talk to you with a paper hiding my view of you, but even the paper is too thick a wall for you to reach me.

I know I'm not trying hard enough.
Just maybe a part of me has given up.

But just maybe, one day this hope will be reality.

Just maybe.

One day I might see you and smile genuinely.

I might eventually..
I might just learn to see..
That all this while..
You more than just loved me..

Welcome you, unknown

2006-04-08T05:31:34Z

:deleted:

No one person can determine how fair life is

2006-04-03T18:58:55Z

Rough days since April commenced.

The realisation of life, both in it's best and worst.
Witnessed new found love, and directly alongside, on the opposite end of the track, lost love. Two extremely different roads; two ends of one spectrum.

Questions answered, yet others unanswered. God knows, I never knew I could trust Him this much. I never knew I could trust any one human this much either. Thank God for my past, I finally understand the rational behind all those relationships.

A day to 11. Thank God for carrying us through, and here's to more, by His grace.